Don’t go where?
I’m not a proponent of making a fool of ones self. So I control my behavior with calculated decisions and movements. I hate being the center of attention so much it makes me sick to my stomach. That being said (or written), it stands to reason that it would take an enormous “situation” for me to explode. It almost works against me to where I’ve conditioned myself so much to not react; that I’m a statue of emotionless plaster at times when reaction is necessary. I appear incredibly unmoved and unaffected despite fantasies of beating the shit out of someone daily.
There’s an instantaneous governor that clamps down my emotions before I’m ever aware that this is a moment that might call for raised voices, angry stares and confrontation. So my system tightens the screws on my internal pressure cooker before I realize what’s really happening.
Then….
10 minutes, 2 minutes, 4 days, whatever, after the situation, the screws begin to loosen and I sometimes shake and do not want to speak. I often cannot speak. This is then followed by feelings of guilt, remorse and regret for not acting like I should. Or like a "man" – a tough guy, and I want to run. This is then followed by more rage that has to be reined down for the obvious reason that something’s going to get damaged or someone’s going to get hurt. But it’s after the fact and it’s too late to act now, so I seethe even more, imagining scenarios in my head of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.
My internal system I’m sure is governed psychologically as a result from the one time the lid blew off and I battered a guy unrecognizable in a moment of blind rage. I’m simply afraid of killing someone and spending my life in prison. So, in moments now when the occasional asshole wants to jerk off, I only imagine what I could do, or what I feel like doing & walk away wishing I would backed him down; only to feel the waves of emotion and fury that will soon follow; only to allow him to feel like the stud that he thinks he is in his own little ignorant world, completely unaware that I may have just spared him his life, or permanent disfigurement.
Mercy on him. Hell for me.
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Whoa.
ReplyDeleteI have many responses to the above. One real response is fear - a real, visceral response to such fury and potential violence.
A second response, is mad, howling anger. Anger in defiance. Anger in symphony. And also the real desire to lose all self control, howl at the moon, run fucking amok - bash in the face of each and every asshole who deserves it and just burn it all down.
I really feel that way sometimes.
But.
If I pause for a moment, take a breath, let it out, and let tings settle, there is something else. There is resignation. And maybe even a little sadness.
Yes, I've acted in anger. Once or twice, fury even. But it can cost you. Each and every time I've ever allowed myself to lose control, I've come to regret it. And looking back, it was more like the ravings of a petulant child.
Nevery be afraid of your anger. I hate that about our society that we aren't supposed to get angry.
Damn right you should voice it, use it, even, so long as its for your own purposes.
Just don't let it use you.
I'm out
I read an interview with someone who said (paraphrased) 'three cavemen are sitting around a fire eating a buffalo they have killed . . . one of the cavemen looks at the other two and thinks that if he killed them, there'd be more buffalo for him . . . and that's the guy we're all descended from' So it can't be completely unexpected that gene exists in you.
ReplyDeleteBut there has to be a pressure valve somewhere, Seal. Something between frenzied violence and doing nothing. Sugar in their gas tank is a favorite of mine. (just kidding)
Thanks for writing Seal, enjoy your style.
Another possible distraction:
ReplyDeleteGetting slobbering drunk and having sex with your cat.
(Sniff)
Well, it works for me.
“Anger is an energy” sang Johnny Rotten. You let it out – you kill someone. You keep it in – you kill yourself. The sweet science. The feeling of your fist breaking through skin, fat, muscle to bone. Connecting? The follow through is sweeter. Worth lingering enough to take a tag. Last time I had that feel was months – the reason I am no longer welcome at Dos Gringos. Never liked that damn place anyway. Recognizing your capacity for violence is not the same as acting on it. Transform that energy. Into what – don’t know. Spanking night at Transylvania works for now.
ReplyDeleteLL